Today I thought I would just tell more about myself.
I grew up in small town America. A town that is not as small anymore as it was when I was a child in more ways than one. I was not raised in the best situation. I come from a family in which there was abuse, alcoholics, and drugs addicts. Growing up my father thought his job was to beat us into listening. To never say he loved us. My mom while meant well having lived in some form of abuse her entire life could not see really how bad things really were and still does not ill this day. Growing up I was a victim of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse.
I was the girl in school that never fit in. But than again I never really tried to. I grew up feeling for many years there was no escape from the hate that surrounded me. I found it at home in my own family and then I'd go to school and there it was again.
As a teen to very few peoples knowledge I became suicidal. I had always believed in the existence of God but at that point in my life I truly believed that not even God cared about me. One night I took some pills that later I learned should of killed me. But instead somehow miraculously I slept for 2 days. What I do remember during that time is this. Hearing a voice that said, "Why are you here", as I was in some dark void. I said To the voice I want to die why do you care. He said, "Because he does". I was like I want my daddy to love me and the only way he will is if I am gone. That no one loves me. The voice said I love you. I asked the voice who he was. He said I am the son of God, Jesus. I have come to tell you that it is not your time. You are meant for more. I asked him if he loved me where was he when my dad beat me and when those older boys touched me. He showed me my past life and showed me as I hid in a corner in fear of my father that he Jesus held me. He showed me that when my father beat me so bad when I was 12 that I could not get out of bed for 2 wks. that he covered my body so the beating would not hurt as bad as it could of. He showed me several such situations in my life. He told me he has always been there and always will be. I was 15 almost 16 then.
Just a few wks later I told my mom I want to go back to church. At 16 I accepted Jesus as my savoir. My life did not change drastically at that point but my heart slowly did. I knew that if nothing else or no one else loved me at least God did.
My father eventually realized the error of his ways. He told me when I was 23 that he was sorry for all he had put me through. My father also found God finally.
I still had some issues I had to deal with. I wanted to forgive my father but did not know how to. I wanted to forgive all those who had hurt me as a child. I wanted to be a survivor not a victim. When I was 24 we found out my father had cancer. In less than a yr. he passed away from having multiple heart attacks. He suffered greatly but swore on his death bed with his last words that he saw Jesus.
But yet I was angry. I had felt robbed of my childhood. My father passed 3 days before my 25 birthday. The day of his funeral I learned I was pregnant with baby number 3. I would prove to not be ready emotionally for another child yet. She is the one child I suffered with Post postpartum depression with. When she was 6 mth. old I had a nervous break down. I fell completely apart. I saw several types of docs to deal with it all. They all agreed that as a child I had lived hell on earth. They said they believe I had suffered from depression from at least 11 yrs. old on up. That there was no cure for it. They said I would have to take meds. and therapy the rest of my life. I took the pills and all that for the next 2 yrs. But nothing helped.
But than one night at a evening Church service there was a guest speaker. I took my oldest daughter with me because this man was known to be a great preacher. He offered to pray over people. I went to the front of the church for him to pray over my oldest daughter who had been sick since birth and we had yet to learn with what. I was about ready to experience something that I only ever dreamed of doing so. I had started to think that God would never touch me in such away. But I was wrong. When I walked up to the preacher he put his hands on me. I said no pray for my daughter. He said no it is not her time. God has sent you here to me for a reason. He wants you to know he knows of all your suffering. No one there that night could have told this man about my past. But he knew of it all. He started to spout off all the abuse and hurt I had been feeling for so long inside. He asked me to give it to God. He said it was what was holding me back. That I had done everything right when it came to my faith but one thing. I had to let it go and give it to God. That he is freely offering to take it off my shoulders and put it onto his. I started to let it go. I realized in that moment that I had been living in fear and holding on to my past. That God was asking for nothing but for me to let it go and put my past and my future in his hands completely. I cried for 2 hours that night. But at the end I felt washed/relieved of all my hurt and anger.
God has taught me so much, =) He has taught me how my curse of a childhood as some may see it is actually a blessing. It made me the person I am today. A Loving mom who puts her children and hubby before all else except for God. He has showed me miracles in good and bad times. He has shown me what a true blessing my life is. He has taught me how to forgive. He has showed me how to drop my pride.He has taught me that each and everyone of us are important in this life. That it doesn't matter what we do for a living our lives us being here makes a difference. That the stay at home mom, the janitor, doctor, teacher all have their place in this life and all are equally important to this world.
In my life I have lived many miracles through God. At 25 when I had that 3rd child I became very ill while pregnant. The docs said neither of us would make it through. But we did. I was told after our 3rd lose after our youngest son that we would never have anymore children. We had a baby girl since. My hubby was raised an atheist he accepted God into his life a few yrs. back. There has been times when we thought how are we going to pay a bill or get by and some how the finances came. God has blessed my life in so many ways. I am forever grateful and humbled by his love. I have seen and lived the proof that God is REAL and will always be there for anyone who just lets him. He ask for nothing in return to give you his love. But I promise you if you find him truly you will want to give him so much and do all you can to live as he would want you too. After all he knows better than anyone what truly brings happiness and a blessed life.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Monday, January 21, 2013
Had a good workout today. For those who know me they know I am big on fitness and health. For those who do not know me so well they may not know why. Or rather how I became so passionate about such things. It started out kind of slow with me realizing after I had my 3 oldest children I had left myself go. But once my mother-n-law passed at just 63 yrs. of age due to not taking care of herself I realized how important is was to do so. I had a battle in front of me I was 28 yrs. old and had 70 lbs. to lose. I started out by not dieting but changing how I ate and slowly becoming more and more active again. I started out with walking. Eventually I got back into jogging. I bought tapes, watched videos on line. I used things from different routines to make my own routines. Learned ways to incorporate my children into my workouts when need be. I constantly am reading up on ways to keep healthy. Finding any way possible to keep active. I have had several pregnancies since with bed rest included and had to take some weight back off. But I managed to lose the weight I had to lose after those 3 children and also manage to lose the weight after each pregnancy with in a yr. I am now in the process of getting the weight back off from a pregnancy I had end in July 2012. I have learned many tricks to do so and have a baby to take care of. First off you most eat healthy at least 95-99 % of the time. I reward myself with a splurge once a mth. I have also learned to make things like cookies healthier and w ith much less calories.
My workout routines now include:
1. Walking(wearing wrist weights and wearing the baby on me at times too)
2. Bike riding
3. Jogging (wearing wrist weights)
4. Dancing
5. Weight lifting ( using free weights and also using baby as a weight)
6. Yoga
7. Aerobics
I have found that variety works best to keep working out fun and to lose the weight and keep it off.
I also count calories.
For me it is about being healthy. Looking good is a side bonus. I also am not big on worrying about six pack abs. I personally am content with being toned and flat abs. I had six pack abs after getting back in shape in my late 20's. I look at my pics from back then and hate them. Also not all women can get them matter what they do. I find to many people set unrealistic goals for themselves and many times for the wrong reasons. Working out to just look hot is not enough. It should be about getting healthy and/or maintaining ones health.
My workout routines now include:
1. Walking(wearing wrist weights and wearing the baby on me at times too)
2. Bike riding
3. Jogging (wearing wrist weights)
4. Dancing
5. Weight lifting ( using free weights and also using baby as a weight)
6. Yoga
7. Aerobics
I have found that variety works best to keep working out fun and to lose the weight and keep it off.
I also count calories.
For me it is about being healthy. Looking good is a side bonus. I also am not big on worrying about six pack abs. I personally am content with being toned and flat abs. I had six pack abs after getting back in shape in my late 20's. I look at my pics from back then and hate them. Also not all women can get them matter what they do. I find to many people set unrealistic goals for themselves and many times for the wrong reasons. Working out to just look hot is not enough. It should be about getting healthy and/or maintaining ones health.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Setting here watching my hubby play with our youngest child, our baby girl. She is such a blessed gift. I still find myself in shock at times that she is here.
You see it's been a long battle to get her here. Back in 2006 we decided it was time to add one more child to our family. After a year of trying I finally got pregnant. At 18 almost 19 wks. My doc realized there was no heart beat. So on Jan. 11, 2008 Dillion was born into heaven.We considered not trying again. My heart was broken. This was not the first child we lost. We had 4 children already. I had lost one many yrs. before. Before the birth of our oldest. We also lost a little boy at 19 almost 20 wks. pregnant on Dec. 7th, 2002. Before we had had our youngest son. But we decided to try one more time. I got preg. again and lost the baby as fast as I found out I was pregnant for sure. I lost the baby at 6 wks. Then we decided to try again. It was not easy. I myself refused to lose hope that we would get pregnant again and this one would make it. In 2009 I got pregnant again. I went in for my 17 week check up. The baby was so active they could not get a heartbeat. But I had a strange feeling something was wrong. That appointment was on a Friday. They told me to come back Monday to check for a heartbeat. Saturday I felt no baby movement. Sunday I felt no baby movement. I went in that Monday praying that what I suspected just was not so. But they tried for 20 mins. to get a heart beat. No heart beat. I had going through labor with 2 of my former loses.They didn't want me to have to go through another if not need be. So I had her by D&C. The thing is the pain of labor I now know actually helped me get through those loses a little easier. It was something for me to hold on to. Also the ones I delivered I got to hold and say goodbye to. So on September 29, 2009 we said hello and goodbye to Danika (a baby girl). Once again we considered giving up. But we refused once again to lose our faith in God. So In 2010 I got pregnant again. Everything seemed to be going fine. I was getting ready for my 1st visit to a specialist. They did my first Ultrasound at 17/18 wks. I thought the baby was fine. But as they started the ultrasound they discovered something that even shocked them. The baby had passed. They told us he passed just in the past 24 hrs. I told my hubby never again. I felt broken more and more each time. Once again I went through 12 hrs. of labor to have a baby that was not going to be alive. After 12 hrs of labor. I felt a pop like I had with the others I had delivered so small and in such away. I yelled for the nurses thinking the baby had come. But both nurses looked at me in shock and just said no it's not the baby. They quickly got the doctor in there and right before he came in the room the baby came out. He tried for 20 mins. to get the placenta out. It was the most painful thin I had ever felt. I had no idea why at the time they were trying to avoid a D&C to get the placenta out. I kept passing out. They in the end decided they had no choice but to do a D&C. They told my hubby that they could not keep me awake. They told him I was hemorrhaging and things were not looking good. For 2 hours he feared I may have passed away. I made it through but we both decided that it was not meant to be. That we would always feel that whole in our hearts; Like our family was not complete. Because for some reason we still felt like our family was meant to have 5 children. On June 10, 2010 we said hello and goodbye to Austin. Not once in all those deliveries did Ia sk for pain meds. I wanted to feel all the pain. It's hard to explain but I needed the pain to have something to hold on to that was connected to our little ones.So we agreed no more babies.
Then something inside of us in 2011 in October one night told us to put it in God's hands. I prayed afterwards to God. I asked him only let this happen if this one is going to make it. I told God I can't go through another loss. Looking back now My hubby and I realize a few things. For one we were not ready for another child especially financially back then. We have spent the last few yrs. Getting ourselves out of debt.
This last pregnancy was loaded full of test, shots,2-3 ultrasounds every week. A few hospital stays. Some close calls that we thought we were going to lose her. We discovered early on in the pregnancy that the placenta was to small and the cord was not working right. She stopped growing for a short time. For most of the pregnancy I was put on bed rest. I was put on weekly shots to prevent me from going into labor to soon.
At 39 weeks I was to be induced. But the day before labor started. After going back to the hospital and sent home several times, they finally decided to keep me. I wasn't in hard labor yet. But was to be induced in the morning and they feared with my history something could go wrong in the night. Well they were right.A few mins. before 11 the contractions suddenly got very painful. So the nurses checked me. They we like you are 8 cm. dilated and we feel digits. They called the doctor. All I heard was we feel digits. She had been head down for 4 wks. now! I was like how could this happen. I also heard she's hemorrhaging . They told me I had to have a c-section. I was so scared. I have a history of GERDS so they had to give me meds to deal with that so I would not get sick during the c-sections. The meds made me sick instead. My hubby has issues with well certain situations. So going into the OR with me was not a possibility. But the anesthesiologist was amazing. He stood by me and got me through the entire thing. When Vyanna came out I was so scared. She didn't cry for a few mins. Failed her 1st tests. Then suddenly she cried. It took time but she became more alert.
We had a scare when she was about a wk. old discovering that she had been born with some probs with her umbilical cord and it had going into her kidneys. But she fought hard just like she did in the womb. She is a strong girl. So far she shows no signs of any of the delays they feared she might have. Actually she is showing quiet the opposite. She smiled at 2 days old. Laughed 1st time at 1 mth. old. Rolled completely at 2 1/2 mths. Started holding a bottle at 4 mths. old. Started crabbing the spoon out of my hand and putting it in her own mouth at 5 mths. old.started giving kisses at 5 1/2 mths. old.
Our other children adore her. I will never forget the ones we have lost. Forever I will be a mother of 11 children. Five who are here and 6 who God needed in heaven. I now understand as hard as it was to lose the ones we lost it was all for a reason. God knows better than us what is for the best.
Every time I look at our baby girl Vyanna I am amazed and feel so blessed that God has given us one more child to bring up in this world. For me if I do nothing else with my life but be the best mom and wife I can be that will be enough. For I now understand what a blessed gift it is to have my family that God has brought into my life.
God also shortly after Vyanna's birth reminded us as a family that even bed things can be a blessing in disguise. When Vyanna was in the hospital with her infections at a week old one of the nurses in pediatrics told my hubby about a job in the hospital. My hubby checked into it and now has worked for the company for almost 5 mths. It's a much better paying job. It also has hrs. that means he can spend more time with our children.
The one thing I hope others get from this is that children are a blessed gift that could be going tomorrow or could of never been given to us in the first place.To make the most of every day they are here with us. Also to remember this. Our children our not just ours. They are a gift from God. They are his first. That we should spend every day thanking him for the honor that he chose us to raise and love even one of his children.
You see it's been a long battle to get her here. Back in 2006 we decided it was time to add one more child to our family. After a year of trying I finally got pregnant. At 18 almost 19 wks. My doc realized there was no heart beat. So on Jan. 11, 2008 Dillion was born into heaven.We considered not trying again. My heart was broken. This was not the first child we lost. We had 4 children already. I had lost one many yrs. before. Before the birth of our oldest. We also lost a little boy at 19 almost 20 wks. pregnant on Dec. 7th, 2002. Before we had had our youngest son. But we decided to try one more time. I got preg. again and lost the baby as fast as I found out I was pregnant for sure. I lost the baby at 6 wks. Then we decided to try again. It was not easy. I myself refused to lose hope that we would get pregnant again and this one would make it. In 2009 I got pregnant again. I went in for my 17 week check up. The baby was so active they could not get a heartbeat. But I had a strange feeling something was wrong. That appointment was on a Friday. They told me to come back Monday to check for a heartbeat. Saturday I felt no baby movement. Sunday I felt no baby movement. I went in that Monday praying that what I suspected just was not so. But they tried for 20 mins. to get a heart beat. No heart beat. I had going through labor with 2 of my former loses.They didn't want me to have to go through another if not need be. So I had her by D&C. The thing is the pain of labor I now know actually helped me get through those loses a little easier. It was something for me to hold on to. Also the ones I delivered I got to hold and say goodbye to. So on September 29, 2009 we said hello and goodbye to Danika (a baby girl). Once again we considered giving up. But we refused once again to lose our faith in God. So In 2010 I got pregnant again. Everything seemed to be going fine. I was getting ready for my 1st visit to a specialist. They did my first Ultrasound at 17/18 wks. I thought the baby was fine. But as they started the ultrasound they discovered something that even shocked them. The baby had passed. They told us he passed just in the past 24 hrs. I told my hubby never again. I felt broken more and more each time. Once again I went through 12 hrs. of labor to have a baby that was not going to be alive. After 12 hrs of labor. I felt a pop like I had with the others I had delivered so small and in such away. I yelled for the nurses thinking the baby had come. But both nurses looked at me in shock and just said no it's not the baby. They quickly got the doctor in there and right before he came in the room the baby came out. He tried for 20 mins. to get the placenta out. It was the most painful thin I had ever felt. I had no idea why at the time they were trying to avoid a D&C to get the placenta out. I kept passing out. They in the end decided they had no choice but to do a D&C. They told my hubby that they could not keep me awake. They told him I was hemorrhaging and things were not looking good. For 2 hours he feared I may have passed away. I made it through but we both decided that it was not meant to be. That we would always feel that whole in our hearts; Like our family was not complete. Because for some reason we still felt like our family was meant to have 5 children. On June 10, 2010 we said hello and goodbye to Austin. Not once in all those deliveries did Ia sk for pain meds. I wanted to feel all the pain. It's hard to explain but I needed the pain to have something to hold on to that was connected to our little ones.So we agreed no more babies.
Then something inside of us in 2011 in October one night told us to put it in God's hands. I prayed afterwards to God. I asked him only let this happen if this one is going to make it. I told God I can't go through another loss. Looking back now My hubby and I realize a few things. For one we were not ready for another child especially financially back then. We have spent the last few yrs. Getting ourselves out of debt.
This last pregnancy was loaded full of test, shots,2-3 ultrasounds every week. A few hospital stays. Some close calls that we thought we were going to lose her. We discovered early on in the pregnancy that the placenta was to small and the cord was not working right. She stopped growing for a short time. For most of the pregnancy I was put on bed rest. I was put on weekly shots to prevent me from going into labor to soon.
At 39 weeks I was to be induced. But the day before labor started. After going back to the hospital and sent home several times, they finally decided to keep me. I wasn't in hard labor yet. But was to be induced in the morning and they feared with my history something could go wrong in the night. Well they were right.A few mins. before 11 the contractions suddenly got very painful. So the nurses checked me. They we like you are 8 cm. dilated and we feel digits. They called the doctor. All I heard was we feel digits. She had been head down for 4 wks. now! I was like how could this happen. I also heard she's hemorrhaging . They told me I had to have a c-section. I was so scared. I have a history of GERDS so they had to give me meds to deal with that so I would not get sick during the c-sections. The meds made me sick instead. My hubby has issues with well certain situations. So going into the OR with me was not a possibility. But the anesthesiologist was amazing. He stood by me and got me through the entire thing. When Vyanna came out I was so scared. She didn't cry for a few mins. Failed her 1st tests. Then suddenly she cried. It took time but she became more alert.
We had a scare when she was about a wk. old discovering that she had been born with some probs with her umbilical cord and it had going into her kidneys. But she fought hard just like she did in the womb. She is a strong girl. So far she shows no signs of any of the delays they feared she might have. Actually she is showing quiet the opposite. She smiled at 2 days old. Laughed 1st time at 1 mth. old. Rolled completely at 2 1/2 mths. Started holding a bottle at 4 mths. old. Started crabbing the spoon out of my hand and putting it in her own mouth at 5 mths. old.started giving kisses at 5 1/2 mths. old.
Our other children adore her. I will never forget the ones we have lost. Forever I will be a mother of 11 children. Five who are here and 6 who God needed in heaven. I now understand as hard as it was to lose the ones we lost it was all for a reason. God knows better than us what is for the best.
Every time I look at our baby girl Vyanna I am amazed and feel so blessed that God has given us one more child to bring up in this world. For me if I do nothing else with my life but be the best mom and wife I can be that will be enough. For I now understand what a blessed gift it is to have my family that God has brought into my life.
God also shortly after Vyanna's birth reminded us as a family that even bed things can be a blessing in disguise. When Vyanna was in the hospital with her infections at a week old one of the nurses in pediatrics told my hubby about a job in the hospital. My hubby checked into it and now has worked for the company for almost 5 mths. It's a much better paying job. It also has hrs. that means he can spend more time with our children.
The one thing I hope others get from this is that children are a blessed gift that could be going tomorrow or could of never been given to us in the first place.To make the most of every day they are here with us. Also to remember this. Our children our not just ours. They are a gift from God. They are his first. That we should spend every day thanking him for the honor that he chose us to raise and love even one of his children.
Friday, January 18, 2013
I am going to start off my blog by going into a little more about who I am. I have 5 children.
1st is 19 almost 20 a girl. She has had epilepsy all her life. Her seizures were undercontrol for a few yrs. But they are coming back. She also has the mind of a 7/8 yr. old child. She also has hand tremors that prevent her from ever being able to work at this point. She also is believed to maybe have autism.
Next is our soon to be 18 yr. old son. He is a very hard working student. He is getting ready to graduate High School. He loves technology.He has mild asthma.
Then there is our 15 yr. old daughter. She has learning delays but other wise is your basic teen girl. She loves photography and music.
4th there is our 9 yr. old son. He has severe asthma, is under going some medical testing to test for other issues because of issues he has been dealing with.
5th is our baby girl 6 mths old in a few days. There is a long story behind her. I will blog about it in the future.
We also have 6 baby angels in heaven. I will blog about this and our struggle to have our youngest 2. I want to share what I have learned in life through my life experiences. I believe that it may help another and feel drawn to let others know we have all been there at the bottom. I will also share my joys in life too. I will share how I have learned many a life lesson. I will share my thoughts on many a things. God Bless and enjoy. I will try to get on here at least 5 days a wk. if not more and post something.
1st is 19 almost 20 a girl. She has had epilepsy all her life. Her seizures were undercontrol for a few yrs. But they are coming back. She also has the mind of a 7/8 yr. old child. She also has hand tremors that prevent her from ever being able to work at this point. She also is believed to maybe have autism.
Next is our soon to be 18 yr. old son. He is a very hard working student. He is getting ready to graduate High School. He loves technology.He has mild asthma.
Then there is our 15 yr. old daughter. She has learning delays but other wise is your basic teen girl. She loves photography and music.
4th there is our 9 yr. old son. He has severe asthma, is under going some medical testing to test for other issues because of issues he has been dealing with.
5th is our baby girl 6 mths old in a few days. There is a long story behind her. I will blog about it in the future.
We also have 6 baby angels in heaven. I will blog about this and our struggle to have our youngest 2. I want to share what I have learned in life through my life experiences. I believe that it may help another and feel drawn to let others know we have all been there at the bottom. I will also share my joys in life too. I will share how I have learned many a life lesson. I will share my thoughts on many a things. God Bless and enjoy. I will try to get on here at least 5 days a wk. if not more and post something.
What this blog is about
This blog is a blog that I will basically blog about what ever is on my mind and about things that have happen in my life. I will also blog about life lessons on here.
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