Today I thought I would just tell more about myself.
     I grew up in small town America. A town that is not as small anymore as it was when I was a child in more ways than one. I was not raised in the best situation. I come from a family in which there was abuse, alcoholics, and drugs addicts. Growing up my father thought his job was to beat us into listening. To never say he loved us. My mom while meant well having lived in some form of abuse her entire life could not see really how bad things really were and still does not ill this day. Growing up I was a victim of physical,  emotional, and sexual abuse.
  I was the girl in school that never fit in. But than again I never really tried to. I grew up feeling for many years there was no escape from the hate that surrounded me. I found it at home in my own family and then I'd go to school and there it was again.
  As a teen to very few peoples knowledge I became suicidal. I had always believed in the existence of God but at that point in my life I truly believed that not even God cared about me. One night I took some pills that later I learned should of killed me. But instead somehow miraculously I slept for 2 days. What I do remember during that time is this. Hearing a voice that said, "Why are you here", as I was in some dark void. I said To the voice I want to die why do you care. He said, "Because he does". I was like I want my daddy to love me and the only way he will is if I am gone. That no one loves me. The voice said I love you. I asked the voice who he was. He said I am the son of God, Jesus. I have come to tell you that it is not your time. You are meant for more. I asked him if he loved me where was he when my dad beat me and when those older boys touched me. He showed me my past life and showed me as I hid in a corner in fear of my father that he Jesus held me. He showed me that when my father beat me so bad when I was 12 that I could not get out of bed for 2 wks. that he covered my body so the beating would not hurt as bad as it could of. He showed me several such situations in my life. He told me he has always been there and always will be. I was 15 almost 16 then.
  Just a few wks later I told my mom I want to go back to church. At 16 I accepted Jesus as my savoir. My life did not change drastically at that point but my heart slowly did. I knew that if nothing else or no one else loved me at least God did.
  My father eventually realized the error of his ways. He told me when I was 23 that he was sorry for all he had put me through. My father also found God finally.
  I still had some issues I had to deal with. I wanted to forgive my father but did not know how to. I wanted to forgive all those who had hurt me as a child. I wanted to be a survivor not a victim. When I was 24 we found out my father had cancer. In less than a yr. he passed away from having multiple heart attacks. He suffered greatly but swore on his death bed with his last words that he saw Jesus.
  But yet I was angry. I had felt robbed of my childhood. My father passed 3 days before my 25 birthday. The day of his funeral I learned I was pregnant with baby number 3. I would prove to not be ready emotionally for another child yet. She is the one child I suffered with Post postpartum depression with. When she was 6 mth. old I had a nervous break down. I fell completely apart. I saw several types of docs to deal with it all. They all agreed that as a child I had lived hell on earth. They said they believe I had suffered from depression from at least 11 yrs. old on up. That there was no cure for it. They said I would have to take meds. and therapy the rest of my life. I took the pills and all that for the next 2 yrs. But nothing helped.
  But than one night at a evening Church service there was a guest speaker. I took my oldest daughter with me because this man was known to be a great preacher. He offered to pray over people. I went to the front of the church for him to pray over my oldest daughter who had been sick since birth and we had yet to learn with what. I was about ready to experience something that I only ever dreamed of doing so. I had started to think that God would never touch me in such away. But I was wrong. When I walked up to the preacher he put his hands on me. I said no pray for my daughter. He said no it is not her time. God has sent you here to me for a reason. He wants you to know he knows of all your suffering. No one there that night could have told this man about my past. But he knew of it all. He started to spout off all the abuse and hurt I had been feeling for so long inside. He asked me to give it to God. He said it was what was holding me back. That I had done everything right when it came to my faith but one thing. I had to let it go and give it to God. That he is freely offering to take it off my shoulders and put it onto his. I started to let it go. I realized in that moment that I had been living in fear and holding on to my past. That God was asking for nothing but for me to let it go and put my past and my future in his hands completely. I cried for 2 hours that night. But at the end I felt washed/relieved of all my hurt and anger.
  God has taught me so much, =) He has taught me how my curse of a childhood as some may see it is actually a blessing. It made me the person I am today. A Loving mom who puts her children and hubby before all else except for God. He has showed me miracles in good and bad times. He has shown me what a true blessing my life is. He has taught me how to forgive. He has showed me how to drop my pride.He has taught me that each and everyone of us are important in this life. That it doesn't matter what we do for a living our lives us being here makes a difference. That the stay at home mom, the janitor, doctor, teacher all have their place in this life and all are equally important to this world.
  In my life I have lived many miracles through God. At 25 when I had that 3rd child I became very ill while pregnant. The docs said neither of us would make it through. But we did. I was told after our 3rd lose after our youngest son that we would never have anymore children. We had a baby girl since. My hubby was raised an atheist he accepted God into his life a few yrs. back. There has been times when we thought how are we going to pay a bill or get by and some how the finances came. God has blessed my life in so many ways. I am forever grateful and humbled by his love. I have seen and lived the proof that God is REAL and will always be there for anyone who just lets him. He ask for nothing in return to give you his love. But I promise you if you find him truly you will want to give him so much and do all you can to live as he would want you too. After all he knows better than anyone what truly brings happiness and a blessed life.