ME and my Children

There is something I hate to see more than anything and that is judgmental Christians. I as a child of God have made a commitment to not do this. We all have our flaws. We all fall short of his grace but he loves and forgives us anyway. His forgiveness is unending, God is a loving God and the truth is so is his forgiveness. Yes, we should make an effort to do right. But we all will fall short. There is a song by a Christian rock group I love called "Who Am I' It states in so many words who am I to judge others. I am a sinner too. I have weakness, I am still growing as a child in God. I have no right to be the judge and jury of others. That is God's job. The reality is at the end of the day I have no right and none of us do to point out another's flaws or mistakes when I still am working on my own, There is not a person on the face of this earth who does not screw up and do wrong from time to time. So I ask my fellow Christians the next time you want to judge another's actions or how they live their lives, " Cast out the sty in your own eye before you judge another for the one in their eye."

That is a post that I posted on my Facebook. It is also something I feel very strong about. None of us are perfect. You as a child of God have one main  job in life that really defines all the other little jobs God gives us in this life. Love everyone no matter their flaws. Even if they do not believe in God. How do you expect the non believers to turn to God if you as a Christian make Christians look like judgmental people. We are not going to lead our sisters and brothers to God by judging them and showing hate. Love draws people in not hate. We need to show them the same love and patience that God shows us. After all as a child of God we should be growing in our faith and becoming like Jesus. Jesus sat among thieves and much worse. Sometimes the best way to lead and show people how they should live is by example and also by admitting you are not perfect. That it is a learning and growing process. So many Christians in the public eye now days are not setting a good example of what God asks of us. They need to put down their judgmental mouth swords and just show love. 
  So maybe God is against Gay marriage. But spouting hate out towards people for any reason is not going to change them are reach them. So why not put down the hateful words and just love them as they are. God even says he will take his children as they are. Lead them and others to God by example and let God do the work of reaching them in his own way. Us as a christian family are not going to force our ways down their throats. Especially when so many of us are not even trying to live our lives truly right. I became a Christian because I saw how another found peace in it and happiness in it. I wanted the same. There was no way someone shouting hell fire in my ears would ever worked. I was hearing enough of hate in my own home that yelling at me are judging me never would of worked. Lead by example and love, not judgement of others!

Like It Or Not

Yes, like it or not, that title I believe fits this post perfectly. For reality needs to hit someone apparently right now. I hope they wind up reading this and get that these are things that will not change any time soon. Most likely never.

 Reality time:
1. Like it or not, GOD, my hubby, my children, my family come first in my life. No one comes between my faith in God, my hubby, or my children.
 
2. Like it or not, yes I will do all I can to protect my children when it comes to their well-being. Even if they do not want it. Especially when they are still under 18.
    Side note: Under 18 is not a woman. A 16 yr. old is not a woman! It is a young lady! That means you should ask my permission to chat with them. If I say yes also respect any limitations I put on that chat. If you are an adult and not family unless I give you permission otherwise you should not be talking to them about their personal or even family life. (Especially other family members) It's none of your business!

3. Like it or not any child under 18 in my home is never allowed to have a serious girlfriend or boyfriend again until 18. Made that mistake one. Left it go to far and it backfired for all involved. Kids should be concentrating on school, friends, and extra activities like sports or music. They have the rest of their lives to fall in love.
    I know some might feel this is ridiculous. That falling in love as a teen is natural. No it is not. Teens think with hormones and their minds are out of whack and so is the rest of their body. They in no way shape or form or ready to fall in love and get engaged.

4. Like it or not, I will fight for my children.

5. Like it or not, I know that my children at times will get angry with me and hubby's rules. But I can handle that. They will get over it and someday thank me for looking out for their best interests and well-being during a time when they were not always thinking straight. During that stage in life when they might of done something they thought came from their heart but later in life realize it came from their hormones.

6. Like it or not, I raise my children as I see fit and by what God tells me to do and no one else.
   Side note: If you have yet to raise 2 children fully as I have and had them turn out okay or better don't even think you can know better than me what is best for my child. Wait even if you have what worked for your child may not be what is best for mine.

7. Like it or not, If I do not see a parent as a good parent or they seem to just be trying to be their child's best friend instead of the person or one of the people who molds them into a decent adult. Well, then don't get all worked up when I do not trust you when it comes to my child or your child(ren) either. I'm not out to judge you. Go ahead if you want to raise your child that way or whatever way you choose. But as a parent of my child I have the right to the decision not to trust you or your child(ren).

8. Like it or not. Once I catch you in a lie, I will not ever trust you again!

9. I do let my children make many choices of their own and let them learn from them. But they have the rest of their lives to learn about falling in love and how to handle it. They do not need that in their lives as teens under 18. They have to many raging hormones and have enough to deal with as their body and minds change and developing. Mater a fact if my children are 100% honest with a person they will tell you I do not interfere in any decisions except anything involving a too serious relationship when they are still a child or drugs. That is unless they ask me to and I think it is something I or their father should handle for them. But we only do it if our child asks first. It's called parents and family looking out for one another.
 
10. Like it or not, Our one daughter's recent break up. Well, there is more to the entire thing than anyone outside our family will ever know. I no longer feel we owe even the boy's parents an explanation. They both lost that right to our side the day the relationship ended. Even more so when we realized how much lying was really going on.  Let's just way we know the truth and have caught way to many in to many lies and other things. Also we gave tons of chances that were taken for granted. Yes, we stepped in because that is what parents do when there is any chance that their child is being put at risk or participating in risky behavior. Also those who have been spreading lies that we told others why we ended it are lying! We told no one! Also I never said he was definitely doning the one thing. My words were we are being told this and this. But even suspicion of such is enough we had to interfere for her own good.

11. Like it or not even if we do not have proof but or given reason to suspect another could be putting a child of ours at risk, we take no chances. We cut them off from our lives and from our child's life.

12. Like it or not, our children, our rules or ways. Never said we were perfect. But this is our ways and  we know better than you what is best for our children. Some reading this may be like I know your child and you are wrong. ONe person in particular that thinks he knows our daughter and does not know her near as much as he thinks he does. If you think this that is proof enough that you do not know our child(ren) as well as you think you do. This works for us. It worked so far and we have 2 children fully raised. We also have friends who raised their children the same way and today those grown children including mine have thanked me and them for raising them(our children) this way. They say it made them into a wiser person than  a lot of people they know. Also stopped them from making a lot of stupid mistakes their teen hormones and minds would of had them making. Mistakes they would never make as adults because their minds and hormones are under better control. So as you see we are not going to change our Christian like ways of raising out children.

MY DAUGHTER'S BATTLE

When I decided to have children I knew my mom had had seizures and I had one brother who had seizures. But no one else in our family at the time had been diagnosed with them. Both those two the docs thought they were brought on by accidents is what I had been told. So when we had my eldest daughter, Amber I never thought she would be born with anything wrong. But she was. I had in incompetent doctor that delivered her but did not know or realize this for awhile to come. She was born premature. But I was told she was full term. Later I would learn she was not the baby I had been pregnant with when first told I was pregnant. I had miscarried that one and the doc knew it when he did my ultrasound and things did not add up. He lied the ultrasound results to me. Never changed my due date. So when she was born and was 6 lbs 4 ozes. I thought she was full term. I noticed her breathing did not seem right to me thou. I kept saying to nurses and doctors why is she breathing so strange. They told me it was normal and there was nothing wrong with her. So I took her home. The first 6 months she cried like crazy. Doc said colic. I believed him. Then 6 months came it did not stop. Then a year came it did not stop. I would hold her for hours screaming and crying. That is when the doctor for some reason decided to come clean. He told me everything. Told me my daughter was born with immature lungs. But he acted like it was no big deal. I was pregnant with my 2nd child and no one else would take our insurance at the time. So he delivered our second baby who turned out healthy. But soon as he was born we found new insurance and a new doctor. 

By this time I knew something wasn't right with my daughter. But no one would listen to me or my hubby. She would go into these fits. I knew in my heart of hearts that it was something more than temper tantrums. But no one would listen. Even my own family was saying she is just spoiled and throwing bad temper tantrums. At two she could say maybe 5 words. I had started getting her help at 1 because she showed signs of being delayed. She walked at 18 months. In time they would diagnose her with selective mutism. She was 4 1/2 before we could even come close to potty training her. But even then she still wore diapers because when she had those fits she would soil herself. By 4 yrs. old. She would start coming out of the fits and cry and hold her head and stomach and say it hurts. Then more times then I can remember she would vomit. Doctors still insisted it was nothing but a real bad temper and stubbornness. 

At 3 she started a special preschool program for kids with learning delays and mental disorders. At this point we also started to notice her have spells where she seemed to space out. Still no one would believe me. By the time she was four I knew what I was seeing but no doctor, no family member would listen. 

When she was 7 yrs. old I got the phone call I was dreading, from school. Something was wrong with my daughter. She was having what appeared to be grand mal seizures one after another. They said they could call an ambulance or we could pick her up. We picked her up immediately and rushed her to the ER. There they stopped the seizures and finally her seizures were documented. 

Her family doctor set her up an appointment with a neurologist. They hospitalized our daughter for 5 days and hooked her up to an EEG, EKG, and all sorts of stuff. They had a video camera watching her 24/7 and I did not leave her side. They did an MRI also. She was scared. But strong. When the five days were up they sent her home. 24 hours later at the neurologists office we got the news/the results. Our daughter just at night was having on average 24 seizures. During the day she was having anywhere from 12-20 seizures. They told us that we should prepare that she may die any day. That it was bad. But that they were going to try to stop them. They put her on meds. But warned us her life expectancy at the most was 13. That even if she somehow lived after that she most likely would be in a wheelchair. that the seizures were causing her body to deteriorate. It was one of the reasons she caught everything that came around and struggle to fight it off. We were warned to try to keep her a way from sick people as much as possible. They told us not to tell her. But after discussing it with my hubby and my mom we agree it was not fair to keep our daughter in the dark about what was going on with her. She may of not learned much when it came to book learning. The seizures helped prevent that. Every time she learned something all she had to do is have a seizure and she forgot it. But she understood a lot more about common every day living stuff. We told her the simple truth. She was sick and the docs were going to do their best to make her better. But that she may not ever get better here. That she may have to die and go be with God someday to get better. She handle it well. Much better than I think most adults would. She told us she will fight this and she will win.

Amber had a long road a head of her. But she proved to be a fighter. Years of testing of all sorts. Getting blood tests every 3 months sometimes more for years but she remained strong and determined. She seemed to learn some things. But very little. When she was 10 we were informed she could not hold information long enough to ever learn how to read. They said they would do their best to continue trying and hope there was a miracle going to happen. They said for math they will teach her how to use a calculator and hope she gets it. 

Through the years they tried different meds. but nothing worked. At one point when she was 14 they thought we finally got the answer. Over the years the seizures had gotten worse. She no longer just had 2 types of seizures. She had 5- 6 different types. By 12 it had taken a tole on her nervous system. She had tremors so bad in her hands that writing was almost impossible. Yes, I said 14 yrs. old above. She did beat those odds and lived past 13 years old. She also was not in a wheelchair. She did have a heart murmur now. She did get sick often and it usually meant a hospital visit or stay. At one point she even had a scare with the scarlet fever rash do to being ill. We almost lost her a few times but she did not give up.

One time when she was nine reality really hit us. We were outside and suddenly Amber was nowhere to be found. We found her in the alley in the back of our house. She was walking around in a daze. When I said her name she looked at me like, "are you talking to me" I asked her, " Do you know who I am, Do you know who u are, do you know where u are? For all those questions she got a look of confusion on her face and answered no. She then asked me her name. I told her. Then took her inside to rest. Hours later thank goodness she remember all the answers to those questions. If your asking why we didn't call an ambulance or anything. Docs had warned us that she could in time permanently not know us. Also that when she first comes out of them she may at some point start forgetting things and people temporarily. They told us she could even have one and just never wake up again. She could die or go into a coma. But if we called an ambulance or doc every time she had one we would be taking her there several times a day and night. Doc even said no need to. One time a short time later she had one. I laid her down in her bed and I cried. I was watching my baby girl lose herself and her life and I could do nothing. So far my faith in God had gotten me through. I did not know for sure where Amber stood on her belief in God or if she even understood who he was at that point. But on that day I knew. She reached up and rubbed her hand on my cheek and said, "Mommy why are you crying". I said, "Because I don't like seeing you sick or in pain". I said, " I don't want to lose you". She said to me, "Mommy don't worry if I go to be with God he will make me better and you will see me again someday and when you do I won't be sick anymore". 

  As I said above at 14 they thought they had the answer and that her seizures had stopped. She went in for another yearly EEG. The results broke my heart she was now having 48 seizures at night and they said at least 20 or more during the day. She had not had a grand mal in a while. There is a type of seizure that is hard to tell if a person is having a seizure or just spacing out. Sometimes they happen so quick you don't even notice them. At this point we started making phone calls. We called John Hopkins because we heard of a diet that was working to stop and cut back on people seizures with epilepsy. They took a look at her medical records and said she was not a candidate for the treatment. That most likely she would still have seizures and it would kill her. So we tried other meds.

 Buy this point docs told us she will not live beyond 18 with her health as it was. The seizures were taking their tole. Her nervous system was effected. Her tremors were getting worse. She had developed stomach problems. The only plus we had was she sometimes got sick right before the seizures started so she knew and knows when she is going to get one when that happens. That way she could at least lay or sit down before it hit. There was a few times through the years she had one while standing and fell because of a seizure. 

  Then at 16 they tried a medicine they had tried before but this time they put her on that one medicine alone. Told us if she is on any meds for her mental disorders to wean her off them. That they may be making the seizures worse. See she also had anxiety and panic attacks, agoraphobia and OCD. Later as an adult she would finally get diagnosed with autism. We did as the docs ordered us. They put her on Depakote but this time it was Depakote ER. A time release drug. Since then her seizures slowly all but disappeared. She only has them every now and then. They tried weaning her off  Depakote ER to make sure she had not aged out of having them. But the seizures came back big time in less then 48 hours of being off the meds. They quickly discovered she could not even have a less dose and not seize. 

Amber will be 21 in August. She graduated High School. But never learned how to read. She tries but her brain cannot get the concept of letter sounds and all that. She uses a calculator for most math . But has learned how to count money. She battles a mental disorder that causes her to over due somethings. When she was told she was under weight and had to gain she over did it and as a 5'2" foot women reached 175 lbs. Then she was told she had to get healthy and lose the weight. She in just a few months has going down to 117 lbs and it is a fighting battle to get her to eat. She doesn't understand. She will always have to have us or someone else looking after her needs. She has the mind of a 7/8 year old child. But she is alive. She has learned to live with her limitations. She has taught our family so much. 

Every day I listen to people wanting material items. Taking for granted simple things. They do not see what blessings they have right in front of them. Their health. The fact that God gave them life and they are still here. Family, such a precious gift. Something that can be here today and so easily gone tomorrow. She amongst a few babies I lost while pregnant have taught me that we should never take any moment or chance to be with our loved ones for granted. For it may be the very last chance we have a moment to be with them. Even with her life as it was and is she is grateful she is here and gets to live it. She once said to me, " I could of been one of the babies that died inside of you". But God left me live". As much as she does not get or not know most book learning. Sometimes she surprises me at how much other wisdom she holds. At 16 she sat me down and has done at least twice since and told me this. "Mom is I ever get to the point I am on life support let me go". " If they ever want to cut into my brain, let me go". she says. She says when and if the time comes that God calls her home before me, she will be there waiting for us her parents, and siblings in heaven. Everyday we have with her is a gift. It's borrowed time. The docs call our daughter a miracle. They truly believe she is living on borrowed time that God alone has granted her. 

 For many they take those simple abilities to be able to read and write for granted. Amber would give so much to be able to do those simple things. So many people take the opportunity to achieve a good education for granted. Our daughter will never be able to do such a thing. She would give anything to be able to. But yet she knows she is blessed just to be alive.

  Sometimes I watch her and I can't believe it's been almost 21 years since the day she came into this world. I can't believe all she has been through and still remains strong and determined to beat not just those little battles but the war. She has an amazing heart underneath it all. I know someday she may leave this world before me. When she does I won't say goodbye. I will tell her the same as I did with the babies that I lost when pregnant. I will say to her, "This is not good bye, this is I'll see you later. 

But right now I and my family will stay positive and strong and keep the faith. God brought her into this world for a reason. He did all of us. If nothing more than to shows others how blessed they are to be able to have and do the simple things like read, write, and hold onto memories. We live in a world where constantly everyone  around us is screaming bigger, faster, shiner is better. She has shown me the best moments in life are when you slow down and enjoy the moments and times with your loved ones.

  You don't have to spend life trying to be the best or fastest at anything to make your life mean something. For me when I do leave this world I just want my kids and future grandchildren to remember me as that person who loved to spend time with them.

Thinking of Love Ones

Sitting here remembering the Christmas  Eves and Christmases we use to have when I was a kid. Back before my father passed so many years ago. It's hard to believe but coming this April my dad will be going 17 yrs. For most of my young life my dad was not the best father a lot of the time. He was rough and abusive on all us kids but our one brother. But there were moments he was the complete opposite and that side of him was an amazing. He never said he loved me in this life. But he did say a yr. and a half before his death that he knew he had failed me as a father. The fact that he started to realize this before he died I know was a precious gift. I remember being angry when he past and confused. Part of me was glad he as gone and could no longer hurt anyone especially my mom. But another part of me when I left it in came to miss him. I miss him tonight. Matter what anyone says about my dad and their are loads of bad things they can say about him that are true. But matter what they say I now know more than ever my dad was the rock that held our family together. For today I very rarely see my brothers. Only if in passing. Mostly if the few who still talk to my mom show up at my mom's house at the same time. I still can't believe after the loses he has had himself that my one brother still will not talk to our mother or most of the rest of us.(He only bothers with one of our brothers) I miss my brothers and my dad. Life is a precious gift that can be taken away at anytime. When our mother is going it will be to late for I'm sorrys or to spend time with her. Anyone of us could be going tomorrow actually. No me and mom don't always agree. Mater a fact most the time we don't agree. She is great at getting under my skin. But we only have one mother. I love her with her good and her bad. I'm disappointed in my brothers and have no idea how they really feel about me at this point. Well, since they refuse for us to socialize or talk as a family. But I know they have not learned some of the lessons I have in life. So matter what I will always love them. Even the ones who abused or hurt me in the past. I forgave such things a long time ago. Life is to short to hold grudges. So mater if they love me or not I will always love them. Personally I think is it time we take that closet with so many skeletons in it and just blow it up. It is time to move on and let go of the crap from our childhoods and our past. Time we all stop judging each other. We all have something we did in our past that we shouldn't have. We all won't agree on everything. We don't have to. Trust me as a mother of 5 myself I have learned there is no way a family so big is going to agree all the time.

My Love Story

Story of  how me and my hubby became to be a couple.
  It was a few days before June 15th 1990 I remember. I was laying out in my back yard before I had to go to work. My dad yells for me. Tells me my mom is calling from work. I get to the phone first thing she asks me is how I feel about going out with a friend of her's son? I asked a few questions like what's his name, and how old is he? She tells me a little about him. I say yes.
  Now comes the night of our first date. My mom is thinking, I later learn they will be good friends in the end nothing more. He pulls up in front of our house driving a loud black Camero. Me thinking "What the hell did my mom sit me up with". Well, he knocks on the door I answer and bring him inside to meet my dad. He already knew my mom. He goes to shake my dad's hand when my wonderful brother Jeff steps in between them. Jeff shakes Kevin's hand but while doing so he says these exact word's to Kevin, " I am Sandy's big brother Jeff, You fuck with her I'll fuck with you. Jeff left for Germany right after that practically.
  Our first date Kevin was like no guy I had ever met. He was almost 4 yrs. older than me. He was amazing. Very respectful and never tried to over step any bounds. We talked for hours. When the date was over and he dropped me off my mom was waiting at the door hoping we hit it off as friends but nothing more. Was she in for a shock. When she asked me how did it go I told her I think I found my future husband.
  The very next night we had out second date. I then knew I was in-love. By the end of the second date we were inseparable. I went home and told my mom he was the one I was going to marry. She thought young love. It would pass. She hoped.
 For the first month of dating if I wasn't working we were together or talking on the phone. after 1 month of dating he popped the question(Will you marry me?) I said yes. Neither of our mothers were happy about the engagement. Said we were to young and rushing things. I said I was in-love and knew what I wanted. He said the same. I promised them I would graduated High School first before we actually got married.
 So for the next 2 yrs. basically we dated and had a long engagement. We had up and downs. Close breakups. Breakups that lasted a day then we would get back together. In June 1992 I graduated High School. The following Monday I started a new job. That follow weekend we broke up. Never really figured out why fully.
  But later on the break up and time apart would prove to be the best thing for our relationship. You know absence makes the heart grow fonder sort of thing. First 3 weeks. I worked, didn't eat, and cried myself to sleep every night. Then I started dating around and hanging with friends too. I started doing my best to move on. I knew there was a part of me that would always love him. But knew I had to move on.
Then it happened September I had a rare night I had nothing to do. The phone rings. My mom answers. Then gives me the phone. It's Kevin. He was wondering if we could be friends. He asks me to meet him somewhere. I decide yes.
  We meet and talk. I find out more about why he walked out on me or at least some of it. See his mom never liked me. My mom never thought he was good enough to marry me. Neither did my brothers. All this built up and he thought maybe it was impossible for us to make it work.
As we sat in the car we worked it all out. We both realized we were very much in-love. A week later we were engaged again.
  We had to tell our parents. His mom at first said I was not allowed in her home. But that lasted like a week. My mom was not happy at all. My dad after us being back together a little over a month gave me money right in front of my mom. Said go make your wedding plans. Gave Kevin his full blessings. My dad told my mom to butt out of our relationship. That we would be celebrating our 50th Wedding Anniversary someday. My DAD! He had never been there for me through anything. None of my parents really had. My dad said,"that we are in-love and the real thing. It all shocked me. Two weeks later we got married in a small church in Maryland.
 My mom still gave it a year at the most. His mom on our wedding day said she now knew we loved each other. That we were willing to risk losing our families to be together. And we were.
  As for our marriage we have had our ups and downs. All marriages do have their problems. We also have had a close call with my life too. Which made us even stronger. We have had a lot of things we have been through together that either make or break a relationship. They have made ours stronger.
 So here we are almost 23 1/2 yrs. since the day we met. 5 living children and 6 angels in heaven later and more in-love then ever. I tell people our secretes are communication, never letting anyone not even our children come in between our relationship, and being each others best friends. My hubby isn't real good with showing his emotions but yet we still find away to make it work. We are just the right fit. My weakness tend to be his strengths and the his weaknesses tend to be my strengths for one. On things we come out equal on or disagree on we meet in the middle and work things out. We walk away when mad and calm down. We made a rule that we only once ever broke too when we got married. We will never go to bed angry at one another. We do not sleep until it is worked out or at least we agree to disagree and work on working it out. We never go to bed mad at one another. Now days that is saying a lot too. He works 3rd shift. So we sleep most days at separate times.
I will never tell anyone and then it was happy ever after. Fairy Tales only exist in story books and movies. This is real life. In real life marriage and relationships of all sorts take work if they are going to survive and stand the test of time.

Black Friday Forgetting the true meaning of CHRISTmas

Such behavior makes me ashamed to call myself American I think at first then I read more and am like more like ashamed to be part of mankind:

http://www.itv.com/news/2013-11-29/black-friday-marred-by-violence-and-arrests/


http://nypost.com/2013/11/29/cop-shoots-shoplifter-near-chicago-amid-black-friday-chaos-others-hurt-around-country/


http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/29/black-friday-violence_n_4360899.html


http://www.examiner.com/article/black-friday-2013-black-eye-friday-as-violence-mars-annual-shopping-frenzy

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation-now/2013/11/29/black-friday-police-violence/3783467/