Thinking of Love Ones

Sitting here remembering the Christmas  Eves and Christmases we use to have when I was a kid. Back before my father passed so many years ago. It's hard to believe but coming this April my dad will be going 17 yrs. For most of my young life my dad was not the best father a lot of the time. He was rough and abusive on all us kids but our one brother. But there were moments he was the complete opposite and that side of him was an amazing. He never said he loved me in this life. But he did say a yr. and a half before his death that he knew he had failed me as a father. The fact that he started to realize this before he died I know was a precious gift. I remember being angry when he past and confused. Part of me was glad he as gone and could no longer hurt anyone especially my mom. But another part of me when I left it in came to miss him. I miss him tonight. Matter what anyone says about my dad and their are loads of bad things they can say about him that are true. But matter what they say I now know more than ever my dad was the rock that held our family together. For today I very rarely see my brothers. Only if in passing. Mostly if the few who still talk to my mom show up at my mom's house at the same time. I still can't believe after the loses he has had himself that my one brother still will not talk to our mother or most of the rest of us.(He only bothers with one of our brothers) I miss my brothers and my dad. Life is a precious gift that can be taken away at anytime. When our mother is going it will be to late for I'm sorrys or to spend time with her. Anyone of us could be going tomorrow actually. No me and mom don't always agree. Mater a fact most the time we don't agree. She is great at getting under my skin. But we only have one mother. I love her with her good and her bad. I'm disappointed in my brothers and have no idea how they really feel about me at this point. Well, since they refuse for us to socialize or talk as a family. But I know they have not learned some of the lessons I have in life. So matter what I will always love them. Even the ones who abused or hurt me in the past. I forgave such things a long time ago. Life is to short to hold grudges. So mater if they love me or not I will always love them. Personally I think is it time we take that closet with so many skeletons in it and just blow it up. It is time to move on and let go of the crap from our childhoods and our past. Time we all stop judging each other. We all have something we did in our past that we shouldn't have. We all won't agree on everything. We don't have to. Trust me as a mother of 5 myself I have learned there is no way a family so big is going to agree all the time.